Post-9/11 climate change

Can you remember back to a time before September 11?

If you can, you'll remember that in the 'old days', shops and businesses had no reliable scapegoat in times of strife. Things just went wrong and actual people got blamed for it.

But, as a good friend pointed out to me recently, 9/11 became the perfect all-purpose excuse for all manner of wonder, idleness and folly.

Thus, your local bakery might have explained away poor sales by citing 'declining enthusiasm for baps and iced pastries in the post-9/11 climate'.

This so-called post-9/11 climate was supposedly responsible for all sorts of delays, cock-ups and gremlins, despite the fact that none of us could really identify what it was.

In London, thousands of commuters suddenly developed a new and convenient phobia of public transport, allowing them a few days off work, or at the very least, a leisurely stroll through the park, arriving a good couple of hours late. 'Sorry boss, i was checking under the privet hedge for explosive devices.'

Meanwhile, in schools, enterprising pupils had a whole new array of excuses at their disposal. 'I was holding a candlelight vigil for the victims of the World Trade Centre bombings when my geometry exercises caught fire...'

Now, as 9/11 mania dwindles daily, we need a new and handily ominous fallback. Nothing seems more appropriate than climate change.

Imagine the options for a particularly lazy shopkeeper:-

Electrical shops - 'Closed, due to concerns about excess energy usage'
Car dealerships - 'Back in 5 minutes - out offsetting carbon emissions'

Or of course, the all-purpose 'Closed due to staff shortages. Cheap and renewable employees wanted.'

Only when we have embraced climate change as an excuse to slack off will we finally have a reason to stop using our cars, give in to the post-climate change climate and stay at home doing nothing.

Join me in the new Eden of Lethargy. And bring suncream.